My Twilight rant.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of Twilight rants. And, considering that I agree with the people giving the rants, and how crazed some Twitards (Twilight fans OVER the limit) are, I thought I’d make one of my own, one rant for each book in the series. (And yes, I know I used to like the series as well, but things are just plain getting out of hand in my opinion with the series)

WARNING: THIS RANT CONTAINS MANY SPOILERS FOR THE BOOK. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SPOIL THE BOOKS FOR YOURESELF, DON’T READ THESE RANTS. You’ve been warned.

Twilight

Okay, starting with the first book, here we go.

1. Bella doesn’t treat the only friends she has in the beginning of the book as nicely as she could.

2. Edward is attracted…To Bella’s smell. Nothing else. But scent. What is he, an obsessed fan of perfume, or just Bella’s body odor that makes him attracted to her? Nothing else, and he loves her because of her scent.

3. Edward can’t even read her mind, when he can read everybody elses. So cheesy. I mean, come on, you had to make Edward not be able to read Bella’s mind, and the only one in the world he can’t read? Pfft.

4. Edward and the other vampires in the series sparkle under the sun. From what I’ve heard in my life, I thought vampires were supposed to explode into dust and disappear when they walk out into the sun. But, hey. That’s Twilight for you.

5. Rosaline (I think that’s her name) is Edward’s step-sister, right? She likes Edward more than Emmett, the guy she’s bound to…And yet, she treats Emmett like crap.

6. At the end of the book, the excuse for Bella being attacked by a vampire is that she fell down a flight of stairs…Who would believe that with the huge cut she’s got on her hand in the size of fangs and a bite-mark? “Oh, look, you must’ve fallen down the stairs because there’s a huge bite-mark that looks like it came from a vampire on you’re wrist”.

New Moon

1. Okay, Edward, now that you’ve got the girl you’ve been dying for you leave her in the middle of a forest, where the other vampires could perfectly come and kill her right then and there, when you’re trying to prevent that in the first place…C’mon, dude.

2. Edward is gone for pretty much the whole book except for about 2 chapters, from what I remember. And, in the end of the book, he’s about to commit suicide from walking into the sun-light, which when he IS in the sun-light, he sparkles like a diamond. Poorly written part right there.

3. Jake was pretty nice in Twilight, but then when he started treating Bella like crap when he became a wolf…I mean, dude, you like the girl, who cares if you’re a wolf? She dated a vampire. Not a big difference there.

4. No Edward vs. Jake awesome fights? Come ON, Stephenie Meyers, I know it’s a romance story, but seriously…

5. Not even the council of vampires could read Bella’s mind? What the crap? Is it because nuts that squirrels store for the winter up there are blocking their telepathic waves or something, or is it because Bella has no brain at all?

Eclipse

1. Huh, Edward comes back in Eclipse because he left Bella in the beginning of New Moon to keep her safe, then commits suicide near the end of New Moon because he thought “Bella died”. Well, now he’s back, Bella’s accepting him back, too. Edward: You left her once, man, and almost commited suicide when she was still alive. What’s next, you gonna kill her youreself? Bella: He dumped you. And then you started commiting suicide-like stunts to hear the dude’s voice whom DUMPED you.

2. Jake becomes a step up from the level of “Jerk”, which I’m not gonna say. Duudeee, she dumped you for a vampire who dumped her that lead her into you’re arms.

3. Again, Bella is a complete idiot. Edward dumped her, driving her towards Jake, and then she dumped Jake for Edward. You know, I was thinking that Bella was gonna go for some type of another mythical creature next, like a unicorn or something.

4.  Bella, you just can’t decide between Edward or Jake, can you? And then you want to…Do something with Edward throughout the whole book. Hormones? I don’t think so. Desire to be with any mythical creature out there who thinks she smells like strawberries or delicious fruit? I think so.

5. Edward and Bella gets married in the THIRD chapter. THIRD chapter. THIRD. THIRD. THIRD. I would’ve saved that until the thir-teenth chapter, myself…

6. More fighting in this one, but with vampires we’ve never even heard of, except for one of the girls who used to hang out with Laurent and James.

7. Jake tries to kiss Bella…Dude, she’s married…Not cool.

8. Edward only loves Bella because she smells good and wants to drink her blood…I bet you if Bella started putting on new perfume and started eating different stuff Edward would leave her for some other girl.

9. Edward wants to kill Bella and drink her blood. No, that totally doesn’t creep her out the slightest bit that she has a boyfriend who wants to kill her and drink her blood. No, not at all.

10. Jake’s in hiding. Is it because he’s embarassed that he was dating the idiot girl who dumped him for the guy who dumped her that lead her into him? Yeah, that’s my guess.

Breaking Dawn

1. Bella is just…Crazy. A whack-job. Whatever you wanna call her. And if you’ve read the book, you know why.

2. They go to a little island (Edward and Bella) for their honeymoon, which Bella was begging for. While there…Lots of romance happened, every night, let’s just leave it at that.

3. Bella becomes pregnant (and from what I remember) isn’t even a vampire yet. Do I remember Stephnie Meyers clearly stating that it’s almost impossible and improbable to become pregnant with a vampire child when you’re human? Yes, I do.

4. Birth scene. Too graphical. It was like Stephnie Meyers video-taped it, watched it at home, and started writing down every little detail in there.

5. I didn’t get through the whole book, but there wasn’t any fighting scenes. Not one. But I bet that there was one near the end of the book, but I’m not sure, and really don’t care, because after that birth scene…I was done with that series.

6. Bella becomes like an expert during the first days of being a vampire…It’s like she’s already had the powers for a couple of years and she can all of a sudden run like 100 miles per hour.

7. It’s sad that Bella and Edward never had any arguements in their relationship, because I would love to have read a fight between Edward and Bella when they were vampires. Any of you wanna bet that Bella summoned up her army of wolves to kill Edward instead of breaking a nail by doing it herself?

8. There was like little arguements between Jake and Edward throughout the series. Again, I would’ve loved to read a part where Jake kills Edward. I’d rather have Jake in the series than Edward…Actually, I would’ve liked it if Bella killed them both herself, and then eventually, she would be killed by Rosalie (or Rosaline, can’t remember her exact name) because she had killed Edward, the love of her life, when she’s with Emmett, who I think might have liked Bella a little too much…I mean, the jokes, teasing her…Anybody else sense some chemistry there? No? Okay then.

9. It would’ve been pretty sweet (and actually, it would be a good moment in the series, not just because I hate Edward, but because it would cause a whole lot more drama and Stephenie Meyers would either leave the series a mystery for the readers to figure out and make a comeback years later, or another book for the series) if Edward died for protecting Bella by the vampire elder council or whatever. I mean, these guys are the freaking council and they are supposed to be “the overrulers of the vampire universe”. Edward did all these bad things against their rules, and it would be a good moment if they all hunted down Edward and killed him in a final battle, once and for all, while taking down Jake with him.

Arriving Day

(This is my own sequel to Breaking Dawn, and no, Stephenie Meyers has NOT actually written a book called Arriving Day (at least I’m pretty sure she hasn’t)).

If there were to be a way for a sequel to be to Breaking Dawn, and if at the end of Breaking Dawn Edward died, I have a feeling it would go down like this:

Chapter One: Bella’s too busy crying to take care of her baby, letting the rest of the vampire people do it for her.

Chapter Two: Bella finally gets over herself and takes care of the baby herself.

Chapter Three: Jake comes and saves the day, and of course, Bella loves Jake and forgets all about Edward.

Chapter Four: The murderer of Edward, a member of the Vampire Council, arrives in their town, attempting to kill Bella himself for being the main accomplice for Edward’s rule-breaking stuff.

Chapter Five: All of the vampires and wolves come together to become one un-stoppable army with Jake as their leader and Bella as their queen.

Chapter Six: The dude is utterly un-stoppable and manages to kill half of the army with a flick of his finger. Eventually, everybody’s dead except for a couple vampires and werewolves.

Chapter Seven: Let’s call the un-stoppable dude Chaos. Chaos slaughers Jake with a single strike of his hand, and Bella is the last one in the army.

Chapter Eight: Bella’s true instincts and powers as a vampire awaken inside her and she battles Chaos all out for three days and four nights.

Chapter Nine: At the arriving of noon, (get that little joke I put in there? ) Bella is eventually so worn out and goes back to her normal vampire self, barely able to stand. Although, she had managed to make a couple good gashes in Chaos, and as she drops to her knees, Chaos bends down and tells her a deal.

Chapter Ten: The deal, as Chaos said, was that he could bring Edward back to life, as long as he could take Bella’s child. He left her then, with four days to answer the deal.

Chapter Eleven: Three days, still healing, after Bella and Chaos’ battle, she’s in her room, thinking of what to do. She had one more day and night to decide to give up her child for Edward, or give up Edward for her child.

Chapter Twelve: The day of the deal arrives, and Bella walks into the field where she had previously fought Chaos, her child in her arms, as Chaos appears in the distance. She walks towards him, and when she comes closer, she realizes that there’s somebody standing beside him. Chaos says that the person is Zero, his assitant and a master at Vampire-Do, the Art of Vampire Martial Arts, and is also Chaos’ mentor.

Chapter Thirteen: Realizing what Chaos and Zero were planning, Bella turns and screams “EDWARD!” and realizes that Edward’s dead. “JAKE!” she screams, and remembers that Chaos killed Jake. And, Bella was barely managing to move around from her injuries in her battle with Chaos, and as she turns to face Chaos and Zero, Zero pulls out a long, slender black sword.

Chapter Fourteen: “Give it to me,” Zero says. Bella, of course, says no. Zero slashes his blade through the air, the blade barely touching Bella’s sparkling skin in the sun-light, and he managed to send her flying farther out on to the field, her child where she last stood, lay there. Chaos picks up the child and Zero opens up a portal back to the Vampire Council, and they go through the portal, disappearing from Bella’s sight.

Chapter Fifthteen: Bella’s close to dying, and knows she can’t face them alone. Maybe if she recruited more vampires to join her team, she could save her child and avenge Edward and her friends. So, she decided to bite all of her friends who she didn’t treat very well and they become a team of vampires, but there were only three of them, considering Bella didn’t have many friends from hanging out with mythical creatures all the time…

Chapter Sixteen: They all fly to Italy, prepared for battle after training for two years straight, Bella’s child is now three, and has been raised by the Vampire Council. As the three arrive at the Vampire Council, they are surprised to see Chaos body hanging on the ceiling, an arrow through his chest. A voice is heard behind them, and they all turn to see Zero standing there, Bella’s child at his side.

Chapter Seventeen: As the three prepare for all out war, Bella’s child suddenly blows up one of the three by simply blasting a ball of energy at them. (I know, it’s stupid). Eventually, Bella’s the last one to stand, as usual, by using the other person as a human shield.

Chapter Eighteen: After three hours of battling her own child, Bella is on her knees, her child with Zero’s sword through her heart. Zero bends down with a lighter and drops it on Bella’s head, the lighter having a flame going, and Bella slowly burns to dust, her dust being whisked away by the wind.

Chapter Nineteen: Zero raises Bella’s child as his own, and when Zero dies from old age, Bella’s child has surpassed him and Chaos in power, even if their power was tripled in size. She now lives on in peace, and the strongest vampire ever to walk the Earth.

Chapter Twenty: Eventually, Bella’s child falls in love with a mortal and the whole Twilight series happens all over again, except the vampire is a girl and the mortal is a boy.

Chapter Twenty: And thus, the series ends there.

Yeah, so that was my Twilight Rant and also my prediction if Stephenie Meyers ever wrote a fifth book for the series.

Cya,

~James~